Most of them are meaningless now that I've forgotten why I wrote them down. Words like "contentious". That was obviously wrote down so that I might look it up in the dictionary and expand my vocabulary or get more meaning from something I heard. Yet the dictionary remains closed.
Or there's a name, Lisa Terkeurst, and a question, "Who holds the key to your heart?". I don't have any idea where this came from and yet when I look at it the question haunts me.
Who does hold the key to my heart? My wife of course, oh and Jesus... yeah that's it, Jesus. At least that's what I like to think. The truth is, that my pride holds the door closed most of the time.
I wrote down prayers to. Mainly to help me focus on what I was praying about. But reading them brings back memories I thought were buried in the dark corners of my consciousness. They bring tears of sorrow for lost children, broken promises and misguided dreams. They also remind me of a time when I relied more heavily on God and not so much on my own strength.
I wrote a verse to a song we sing.
"God is bigger than the air I breathe,
The world we'll leave.
God will save the day and all will say,
My Glorious"
And then I wonder, if I truly believe that, why can't I turn the noise in my life over to Him. He is bigger than anything I can imagine. He is bigger than my little noise. He should be able to handle my little noise. Well, of course he can.
Let it go...no,wait. But isn't that what we've always been told? We only need to let it go. I'm sure I have that highlighted in my bible somewhere. OK, so here... let it go...no, wait, not yet...OK, now.
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I am reminded that there are times when God leaves us in "the noise" even when we do give it all over to Him. The Apostle Paul found this out when he pleaded with God to take away the thorn in his flesh. God's response to him was, "My grace is sufficient for you..." The implication is that He left Paul to continue on with the "thorn" (or noise), that His grace would sustain Paul, and ultimately the "thorn" would bring about God's perfect purpose in Paul's life.
I've been in that place myself in recent weeks...plodding along through "the noise." It started about a month ago with a statement that came to my ears...nothing theological..just someone's observation of life and the human condition. It pierced me the moment I heard it and began rolling around in my head far too frequently and for far too long. Within a few days I found myself in a tailspin I could not pull out of. I went (repeatedly) to Him in prayer and kept being led back to 2 Corinthians 12:9 - "My grace is sufficient for you..." Four weeks later I am still with "the noise." He has left me in it; that's His sovereignty. However, I am also comforted and strengthened by His incredible grace. I think that I am coming to a better understanding of His power....His strength is NOT perfected by Him taking the noise away, but rather it is perfected by how He sustains me daily in spite of all "the noise" in my life.
Peace....and Grace
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